The role of the Dad is often less acknowledged than the Mum when a newborn joins a household. The Dad plays a difficult role in this time. He’s usually the one who goes back to work soon after the baby is born. On an emotional as well as physical level, this is hard. Whether you are reading this as someone about to become a Dad, or as a new Mum wondering how to support your partner, or as a friend or family member, it’s worth thinking about the huge changes about to take place and what simple (and sometimes complex) things you can do to make this incredible time as easy and fun and great as possible. We’ve written from the perspective of the Dad.
Support
Getting up in the morning after a night of broken sleep (after 100 nights of broken sleep) isn’t easy. Leaving your partner and baby at home while you go out all day isn’t easy, and you’ll quickly find a sense of “missing out” on day to day progress. Talking through these issues with your partner can help you both find ways to make life a little bit easier.
Finding other Dad friends can make a big difference to these first few weeks (and a lot longer). Talking about what is normal and what isn’t normal is a big help, along with hearing about how things change and when/how things can be better. It’s worth thinking about what friends you have who are going through similar stages of life, so you can cultivate these friendships a bit at the moment. It makes the friendship a bit easier to maintain when you are very time poor just after the birth of the baby.
In terms of practical support, don’t be shy! Help around the house is important. If you’ve worked all day and haven’t had a chance to see your baby, the last thing you want is to come home to have a pile of tasks waiting for you so that the baby is asleep before you have a chance to say hello. Outsource whatever you can. Your partner is likely to be exhausted and busy for the foreseeable future, so finding people who can help with the garden, the house maintenance, the life admin is important to make sure you actually get some time with your family.
Time as a family
Obviously we just discussed this in the support section, but there is a bit more to the time thing. It is so important for you to spend time with your partner and child at this stage. It gives your partner a practical level of support, it lets you get to know your baby, and it lets your baby get to know you. It also means as the new challenges of having a baby begin to show, you are aware as a team of what works and how best to meet these challenges.
How to find or prepare time is not an easy question to answer, but find “baby-friendly” ways even before your baby is born to spend time together. We’re talking about things like going for a walk, or to a local park for a picnic or a walk or whatever suits you. Incorporating these things into your life regularly now means they’ll seem a little less hard to achieve once you are bringing a baby along too.
Sleep
Everyone talks about sleep when a new baby joins your family. The reason will become obvious soon. Babies are not usually great at sleeping. It is normal for them to wake many times in the night. And they don’t always go straight back to sleep. Many people advocate for the Dad to watch the baby overnight so the Mum can get some sleep. This is great if the Dad doesn’t have to drive, operate heavy machinery, make decisions and be responsible the next day. If, however, you actually have to do some of these things, find a balance of how much you can take on (in terms of baby care) and still function safely the next day. Of course, your partner may also have to do these things, and in that circumstance it is a really difficult balance to keep all 3 of you safe. It is obviously worth thinking about ways for you both to get some rest, which can sometimes result in “shifts” if the baby is really not sleeping at night. Contemplate perhaps a system where you have the baby in the evening and early night so your partner can get some sleep, then they take the later/early morning shift, or you look after the baby for a few hours before you go to work. Don’t forget to find some waking hours for both you and your partner to spend time together, but let’s face it, the first few weeks can be hard.If you are using a shift system, it can help to have somewhere else for the sleeping person to sleep. There’s no point swapping shifts if then the baby keeps both of you awake for the whole night. Many parents never actually need this set-up, but it is worth thinking in advance about how you might manage this if you are really struggling with sleep.
Food
Just like a new Mum, a new Dad also needs food. This seems obvious, but is worth thinking through in advance. When the baby is born (and particularly in that first phase where both of you are completely exhausted all of the time), how are you actually going to get meals? Will you have shopping delivered? (And if so, have you tried this service out pre-baby so you know how it works and what to do?) Will one of you be responsible for going to the supermarket regularly? Bear in mind that pushing a pram PLUS a trolley is impossible, and if the baby was born by caesarean, a Mum isn’t allowed to drive for a few weeks after delivery. Do you have some reliable supports who can help with shopping?
It’s worth thinking about what snacks and easy food you can have in those first few weeks. If you don’t think now, your biscuit consumption is about to go up. There will be days where your partner won’t have had time to eat all day, and certainly not prepare any food. Think now about what you might be able to stock up on so that when there is no dinner, you can both still have something more than chips and biscuits for dinner. Tins, frozen food, instant meals are not necessarily gourmet treats, but they can sit quietly in the cupboard or freezer in case you need them. Many new parents find meal delivery services (where meals for a full week are delivered once weekly and heated when needed) very useful to take one headache away.
